I love the holidays, but….
It’s true. I absolutely adore the holiday season. It is the most wonderful time of the year! I am the crazy who counts down till the day after Thanksgiving and gets everything out the next morning to decorate the house for Christmas. If it were socially acceptable to have my decorations up on November 1st, I would so do it. So yeah, I love the holidays, but….
There are things that happen around this time of year that annoy the crap out of me, make me want to punch someone in the face and/or confirm that I do not do well with morons.
- Inflatables in your front yard. This is unacceptable at all times however I find it particularly offensive during the holidays. Really? You have a giant Santa blown up in your front yard?! How tacky can you get? Or a teddy bear with a Santa hat on. Why? Just put up lights and hang a wreath like sane people. What is so appealing about a giant, glowing, full of hot air (literally) character in your front yard? I don’t get the mentality behind it. It doesn’t bring me happiness at all – quite the opposite actually. I am ashamed to admit that I have friends who have these hideous things in their yards. They claim it’s for the kids. Listen, I have a kid and you don’t see me with a stupid blown up snowman in my yard. This is not okay. Take that crap down!
- Continuing with outdoor decor….I cannot stand the people who put 47 different kinds of lights in their yard. They have big colors bulbs, small white twinkling lights, LED blue lights, light up snow flakes…. you get the idea. It looks like someone just vomited Christmas lights in their front yard. It’s hard to look out, may cause seizures and is stupid. Pick one kind and go with it! And they say the more lights on the outside, the more problems on the inside. Don’t try to overcompensate. We know what’s really going on…
- Holiday humming. I love Christmas music and embrace the opportunity to listen to my holiday favorites as often as possible. However, I will not tolerate you ruining my *NSYNC or Mariah Carey with your off-key humming. No, no, no, NO! I only get a month and some change of this music bliss so I will call you out, embarrass you in front of people and tell you the shut the hell up if I hear you tone-deaf humming.
- Ugly holiday sweaters. Don’t misconstrue, I am all for the ugly sweater parties. I’m talking about the people who wear the ugly sweaters for real because they think they aren’t ugly. Yeah, you know who you are. This is just not fair. You’re too easy of a target for mocking and you brought it upon yourself. People are no longer judging you… we are blatantly making fun of you both behind your back and directly to your face. Do yourself a favor… don’t wear those special sweaters in public. EVER.
- Car decorations. It is by no means cute to have reindeer antlers, Rudolph’s red nose, a wreath or Christmas lights on your vehicle at any given time. It’s not festive, it’s stupid. And you look stupid in the car that’s decorated.
- Mall traffic. This makes me violent. I can’t handle people who lack the ability to drive as it is, much less when they are all in the same place – the mall! It’s insane. Traffic is constantly at a crawl to the point where I could probably walk faster. People don’t use their brains and drive either like driving Ms. Daisy or bats out of hell. Neither of which help the already shitty situation. I loath this entire experience and do my best to avoid it at all costs. Thank goodness for online shopping.
- Annoying family. Everyone has that one person in their family that they want to run over with their car. For some reason you never hear from them all year-long and then they come out of the woodwork for the holidays to mooch, annoy and ruin everything that is good. This is what causes domestic violence. If you are this person, do yourself a favor and go visit another family. Spare yourself heartache and the rest of us from hearing your stupid stories and bad jokes. No one cares. And your “everything bad always happens to me” bull shit is getting old. I don’t have sympathy for you. Now get the hell out of my face.
- Santas with fake beards. Children aren’t as stupid as we think they are. My daughter saw a Santa with polyester facial hair and knew that he wasn’t real. She said to me, “That’s not the real Santa, mommy.” I couldn’t tell her she was wrong because it was too obvious. Hire an old, fat guy with REAL facial hair. I’m sick of making up stories to my little girl.
I’m not a bad person or an angry person for that matter. I just don’t want to deal with stupid people or stupid shit during my favorite time of year. That’s all.